Guilt: The Mother's Favorite Demon

Most moms I know would do anything to help their kids succeed in school and life. We worry, we pray, we yell, we scream, we try the soft touch, we try the grounding, we try to have "conversations", we try lectures and when nothing works we feel guilt.  We beat ourselves up over and over again that maybe if we had just said this, whatever "this" might be, that would have changed everything.  So we go back to our child with basically "And another thing..." statement.  Did that make him change?  Did it help at all?  More than likely not.  What it more than likely did do, however, was reinforce our kids impression of us that well, we're crazy.  That all she does is yell and criticize and instead of inspiring them to change we're making them feel that they never will.

Both of my sons have now been diagnosed with ADD.  Now I feel guilt over what I fear other people are thinking such as, oh she couldn't control her kid now she's medicating him, I hope she doesn't think that's a magic bullet, or sure when all else fails, medicate, that's what lesser moms do, and the one I secretly fear the most, she should have done this a long time ago.

Guilt is the mom's frenemy. We hate the guilt but we hold on to it, we feed it, it becomes our ever faithful companion because to feel guilt means we're doing something.  To not feel it means we don't care about our child.  

I came to a realization not that long ago that I am an imperfect person trying to raise a perfect child.  Our children have their own story to write.  We're just the caretakers of the book.  Everything that they will experience from the accomplishments to the disappointments will make them into the person they will become.  My favorite Dr. Sears quote "Parents should not take all the credit or all the blame for who their child later becomes. You do your best to raise your children with all tools and resources you have at that time. At some point it's up to the child."

What little I actually know after 15 years of parenting is this:

-If I have hurt my child I try to apologize

-Drop to your knees and pray every day

-I have a responsibility to God above everything and everyone to try to do the best I can and to keep trying because I am not perfect and never will be and neither are my children and it's OK.

What I hope they know:

-Actions have consequences

-God's love is filled with grace

-Drop to your knees and pray every day

My prayer is that when they're grown we can laugh about the dumb things we both did.